I am late, getting yesterday’s (Friday morning) newsletter out on Saturday because I don’t know what to say. Only a few days ago, a gunman walked into an elementary school in Uvalde, TX, and killed two teachers and nineteen fourth graders. Fourth graders are nine and ten years old usually. Nineteen babies.
There are many things I could say. I could talk about AK-47s and their use in society. I could talk about common-sense gun legislation. I could talk about the devastation of young victims, so bad it required DNA samples from their parents to identify bodies. But I won’t. There is a time for those conversations, and we must have them. We simply must. But I won’t start there today.
Today I want to talk about connection and validation. I was reminded yesterday of the sense of connection American’s felt after 9/11. I would narrow that a bit and say the connection most Americans felt. Americans of Arabic descent, Americans who were Sikh, and others without the benefit of white skin did not feel connected, they felt attacked, and they were attacked. But the point my therapist was making was that most Americans felt a sense of connection in those days, and it helped us heal.
I certainly sought out a sense of connection after I got the news. I wanted to hug and be hugged. I wanted to cry with friends. I wanted to have my feelings validated, to know that I was not alone, and to know that I was not alone in feeling grief, feeling anger, feeling fear. Because I did feel, and I am guessing you felt, grief, anger, and fear. Maybe many more things.
Those connections, and the validation of our feelings that we find in our connections, help heal us. They don’t heal us right away. That will take time, even for those of us far away from the physical scene. For those nearby, those inside, and those who lost someone inside, it will take far longer. But feeling connected, knowing I am not alone, and feeling validated, knowing I am not crazy or alone in feeling what I feel, helps begin the healing process. It is where we must begin and establish a toehold before having the other conversations.
As far as conversations go, imagine a large kitchen table. The people sitting at the table can have a conversation. Not everyone at the table must agree, but I guarantee you this: if there are disagreements, there will be more chance of hearing each other out and developing a consensus if we are all at the table and not standing across the room, shouting at each other. I think what we need to do now is make sure everyone has a seat at the table for the conversation. I am sure that if we build a table big enough for every American to feel connected and validated, for all Americans (including the 90% of Americans that favor Universal Background checks) to be at the table and not just gun lobbies and politicians there, we will have a different conversation. We need to have the politicians there: it is their job to enact changes that make this problem less of one (at the very least) and solve it (at the most.) But we need every American there at the table.
Coming to the table means not “othering” people. When it is “us” and “them” and they are other, there is no constructive conversation. If we can see each other as just people, just human beings who live and breathe and suffer and fear, we might have a chance to find some commonalities.
Next week, expect more from me. More drive, more militancy if that is your language. I have already joined Mothers Demand Change and their LGBTQ+ caucus. I am an activist, you know that about me, and I’m just getting started. But for now, I am focusing on connection and validation and getting everyone at the same table.